collecting stars
a map of mine
tw: mentions of self-harm, body dysmorphia
Isn’t it fucking weird how sometimes you’re happy then suddenly, for seemingly no reason at all, you’re sad? Is this just me?
Obviously, it’s not just me. I feel like you might have felt this way this past week or this past month or past year, right? Sometimes anchors are tied to your ankles as you try to wade to shore and life throws a riptide in your face just to see if you can survive it... and we do. We persist and that’s why we’re here. Despite the suicidal thoughts that might flow through the darkest depths of our brain from time to time, we keep going.
If you have never experienced that, then I hope you never do. The romanticization of leaving this earth forever is scary and it should be erased from our culture. There is a difference between ‘nothing matters, I want to fucking die’ and ‘nothing matters, so let’s just have fun while we’re here’. Don’t get me wrong, there are many moments where I want to disappear. The dysphoria hits so hard that seeing myself in the mirror triggers a response of shame and disgust and the last thing I want is for people to even have an idea of me in their mind. A week or two goes by and once again, I feel wonderful & my will to live is stronger than ever. Over time, I’ve had these patterns come in waves. Like clockwork, the low and high tides of my self image dissipate into nothing more than raw emotions, but I’ve been able to learn how to be logical about this over time.
Therapy has helped. Small doses of Zoloft have helped. Being able to discuss with my partner has helped. Reaching out has helped. Life’s stars has helped. Stars are what I call the little moments of bliss that everyone experiences at points in their lives. You know the type: the ones that make you feel like a 40 yr old white woman at an olive garden saying, “I’m so glad we did this”. There are so many of these personal stars for me:
getting an iced latte with amber at our neighborhood coffee shop and treating myself to a cinnamon twist loaf because “i’ve been good”
a plate of takeout sitting on my desk as amber and I get ready for a night of gaming together
the little trills of Pepper and Millie (our kitties) when they a get a good pet in or when they see us first thing in the morning
being so deep in a book that I momentarily forget that the world exists
opening the fridge and remembering that you have leftovers from last night
sitting in a hot car after leaving a cold building or turning up the A/C in your car after being out in the heat
drinking chamomile tea w/ honey and feeling my bloated stomach be alleviated
seeing myself in a cute outfit that I had been looking forward to wearing or seeing my hair fall in a way that I like it to
getting drunk at a concert and singing my heart out
recommending someone a book and having them love it
someone complimenting my writing or my personality
seeing how someone’s face lights up when I compliment them
petrichor
a full moon
the gentle sound of rain drumming on our apartment window
the pretty memories evoked when listening to certain songs
the intoxicating and delicious experience of writing
a runner’s high
the feeling that radiates from amber when she’s at peace
There are many more moments in my life that lead to these stars. Stars that only exist on a map for me to follow. Stars locked away in a filing cabinet waiting to be explored once again. Stars that have gone away only to come back in a different shape or size or form. I’m so privileged to live a life where I have the chance to experience these little moments. Every time I feel like complete shit, I now use the tools that I’ve learned over the years, through therapy, to try to remind myself that my life is worth living for these stars. If you take away anything from today’s reading, take this: please make a little star map for yourself on your notes app, your journal, or in your head and just let them take you home. When you feel like you want to just leave existence, try to give your stars a chance on calming you down and when in doubt, borrow someone else’s map, who knows what you may find along your way.
Thanks for reading -`ღ´-
