the resurrection of @proustianeffect
it's a long one today! grab yourself a coffee, come sit by the fire, and read some thoughts on music and books
I have this old instagram (@proustianeffect) that I decided to start after realizing that I had too many thoughts and not enough people in my life to yap to that didn’t already know these things about me. I got the name proustian effect from Marcel Proust, of course, which are the memories sparked by physical sensations, the most notable example being in Marcel Proust’s madeleine episode from Remembrance of Things Passed. It started off as reviewing music, but I also talked about a few books that mattered a lot to me. I feel like there are many other albums and books that I haven’t been able to get to yet, but that’s for another day.
Because it was on instagram, it felt kind of too easy and too impersonal to just be posting on there. I don’t want to sound pretentious and make it seem as if I need to suffer to know what “real” writing is; all I mean is that it didn’t feel real to me. I now have this substack and although my readership fluctuates (and I honestly don’t even know if y’all read this), at least it is somewhere besides a site meant for photos. Substack to me has felt like a small & quaint square meter of soil in the corner of the internet where I’ve been able to plant my seeds of thoughts, ideas, and vulnerability and water them until they bloom.
For that reason, I’ve decided to repost everything that I posted on @proustianeffect on this post. Unless in italics, everything will be words from that time in my life. If there are italics, then that means that I JUST added them now to give context to the topic at hand. If you’ve read these because you follow me on there then read them again and love them. Please enjoy my baby writing <3
This account is to document my thoughts and write about triggered memories with music that I used to listen to or still do. hopefully it encourages at least one of you reading this to listen to an album you have never listened to before. Slaughter Beach, Dog; a band formed primarily by Jake (of Modern Baseball) truly is a special band and my absolute favorite. Their music, like myself, changes as fluidly as the seasons and I can feel myself growing up with Jake’s taste. I don’t like comparing myself to people at all, however, I appreciate what all of Jake’s music has done for me and “At the Moonbase” (aurally) reflects the changes that I’ve seen in myself over the past two years.
favorite track: Notes From a Brief Engagement
February 6, 2021
This self-titled album came out in 1999, yet remains as one of the best midwest emo albums ever. Although I didn’t start listening to them until early uni, “Never Meant” and its math-rocky elements take me back to high school and all the romances that I thought I once needed; it also reminds me of taking late night drives through town… a time when things were simpler. “The Summer Ends” floods my head with the most recent of memories: ‘Webster’s Bookstore Cafe’. An eccentric, yet vibrant coffee shop that reminds me of my naivety when I first arrived to state college.
The record begins in June and ends in August. This time period can be one of the most powerful times for teenagers and college kids and as I continue to listen to American Football (now a group of dads and professors), I think back to my own youth and long for the days where I didn’t have to worry much about things outside of homework and getting my heart broken by a girl. These see-through, rich teenage feelings still manifest, regardless of age and position in life. This American Football album struck an emotional chord with its listeners back in 1999 and it continues to be as resonant today.
favorite track: The One With The Wurlitzer
February 7, 2021
Daughter is one of those bands that you keep close to your heart not because they’re your favorite but because they do something for you that you don’t even know yourself.
Elena Tonra’s ability to story-tell through her music (specifically in “If You Leave”) and show her emotional anguish, yet try her hardest to maintain some shred of dignity is gut-wrenching and beautiful. The constant motif of smoke and fire dance in between the tracklist as she tells a story on how toxic a relationship could be but how hard it is to breathe without it. This album is a reminder that we are just human and lost in our youth despite how invincible some people make us feel. This entire album is soft, yet kind of demands that you listen to it and pay attention. A true gem from 2013 and one of the ones that I hold onto after so many years.
Favorite track: Human (I think after going deeper into them, my favorite track from hers is ‘Medicine', which isn’t on this album, but regardless, makes me feel the most)
February 7, 2021
Texas Native, Sloan Struble released “Fuzzybrain” in 2018 and has been a constant anthem in my head since 2019.
This album is a wake-up-and-stretch-your-arms-to-the-rising-sun-because-it’s-going-to-be-a-great-day type of album. While some of the latter tracks of the album are a bit slower and solemn, ‘False Direction’ , ‘Can I call you tonight?’, ‘Hot Rod’, and ‘Run the World!!!’, make you feel free and thankful to be alive.
With only one full album in the books, there’s so much more of Sloan that we haven’t seen and I’m excited to see where his music takes me. Deep memories with this album involve the time I grew within myself while alone in California. I had never been there before and now I had found myself working 40 hours a week in Southern Cali surrounded by people who had different mindsets as me during a global pandemic; it definitely allowed me to grow as a human and made me realize what I needed most in my life. These small changes in my life, including the music I listen to, has helped me find peace in myself and has allowed me to really connect with myself on a deeper level regardless of other people’s opinions. Give it a listen and who knows? You might be able to relate to it a bit.
Favorite track: Listerine
February 19, 2021
to the 3 of you reading this, you knew it was coming. peripheral vision by turnover is at the forefront of every autumn, indie, “sad” vibe for post adolescents and strangely, at now (almost) 25, I’m not sure if I could see myself letting go. Yes, I’ve expanded my horizons and I’ve reached beyond of what I used to listen to in college, yet this album has become a symbol for stagnant growth (very contradictory lol) ; I’ve realized I’m so focused on trying to grow that sometimes it’s ok to just take it in and “take care” of the growing later. it’s also ok to grow in some parts of your life but not others and that’s similar to what i’m experiencing now. as I grow with my partner, I also am growing within myself, exploring both my masculine and feminine features and styles that will eventually help me be exactly who I want to be. all these feelings, like the album, feels like a passive daydream. it also feels like chasing something that you either once had or you’ll never get in your lifetime, but in the end it’s okay because life moves on.
favorite track: take my head
september 21, 2021
this was before coming out and I kind of started alluding to all of this here. Also, I’m turning 28 this year and I still love this album to bits
Not sure how I went this far without mentioning Modern Baseball (mobo) but here we are – Jake, Bren, Sean, and Ian.
Undoubtedly, these people formed the most important band of my life so far and rightfully so. Mobo may now seem more like a meme nowadays, but this band represented something real and raw to me: an unfiltered truth to anxiety, fear, growing up, and the discrepancies of how one thinks compared to how they act. Mobo was the gateway drug to others’ music that eventually became part of something great. Some of my most favorite memories involved Mobo and eddie (my bestie in college) , just drinking away in San Jac or camino flats (places of residence in austin) and feeling our emotions to their core. Some of my most painful experiences were soothed with mobo.
In Jake’s “Note to Self” - “But I want to make something good, I want to make something better, something that cannot leave the ground, unless we lift it up together” he offers up something that (I think) everyone can relate to. In this context, “Holy Ghost” was Mobo’s last album (2016) and the band had reached a point of directing their insecurities and anxieties at each other; the band disassembled shortly after this and entered an indefinite hiatus. In this verse, Jake realized he couldn’t keep making music with the band unless everyone was on the same page of where they wanted this to go, but the long-distance relationships with loved ones exacerbated the issue and ultimately led to their downfall. In my context, I like to relate this verse to all the personal relationships in my life. I want my friends to be loved and I want my friends to love me back. I crave vulnerability in friendships and I think that when we can both offer that up and “lift it up together”, beautiful things can happen and memories can be made in its most wholesome way. So if you’ve made it this far, feel free to reach out whenever you’re ready. You’re on this page for a reason and I want you to know that I care about you.
Favorite Tracks: Mass, Just Another Face, Note To Self, Holy Ghost + Wedding Singer
September 23, 2021
a journal entry was overdue. “Give me a minute” by Lizzy McAlpine is one that I never expected to fall in love with. Her voice throughout this album is so clear and crisp. this album is a folky-pop breakup style album and is filled with multiple moments of isolation (kind of like when it’s so cold out that everything just sounds quieter). lots of songs here open with fingerpicking, leading up to percussion and backing vocals, yet they all sound so unique.
this album feels like a breakup from my past self where I sometimes have felt afraid of where I want to go and end up, but feel the need to do it anyway. The overwhelming sense of urgency is captured so beautifully in this album and I recommend it if you want a slow burning listen for the morning.
favorite track: “To the Mountains” && “Over-the-Ocean Call”
January 4, 2022
I’m not a writer nor I claim to be one, so please bear with my stream of consciousness.
Crying in H-Mart is a story about loss. But not in the way that you think(??); at least for me it wasn’t. I’m lucky to have never lost a parent or close relative to a fatal, brutal illness so whenever I hear or watch someone lose their loved one, I feel for them, but have never truly understood. I think that I won’t ever understand until it happens to me, but Michelle Zauner makes it really damn close to feel that pain. Burdened by a distant, white father and an aesthete of a Korean mother, she grew up alone only knowing two things: 1) Her mother only gave her approval if she presented herself perfectly and 2) Her Korean heritage was something to be ashamed of outside of home. It wasn’t until her mother got diagnosed with Cancer that things started to change for her, truly open up and make her realize the fragility of life and the importance of her relationship with her mother. After the anger and teenage rage that Michelle grew up in and finally abandoning her Oregon town to the big city life in Philly, she found that her connection to her culture, to her mother, was in food; things like kimchi-jjigae and dongchimi that filled her soul and made her relive her memories with her mother as she inevitably wilted away.
This memoir is a beautiful piece of work that at times made my tear up and think about my own mother, who with her delicious food, has made me proud of my cultural identity at times when that’s all I had. In her book, Michelle writes, “we’re all searching for a piece of home, or a piece of ourselves. We look for a taste of it in the food we order and the ingredients we buy,” and I couldn’t agree more.
February 6, 2022
whether you like or dislike the foo fighters, one thing is for certain: Dave Grohl is truly legendary in his own way.
here he talks about his time during his adolescence and his introduction to punk rock while living in a single parent household. he talks about his leap of faith to go drop out of school and tour with Scream which inevitably led him to an opportunity to meet Kurt and play for Nirvana. He talks about loss and how that sparked enough interest for the foo fighters. He talks about his adventures and meeting his heroes. And lastly he talks about his daughters and how the greatest gig he’s ever had is being their dad.
there’s too much in this book for a measly paragraph, but if you’re interested in his music, even just a bit, it’s definitely worth a read.
February 10, 2022
this was my first book from Murakami and wow, what a privilege to see the brilliance of his words and storytelling. Kafka on the shore is a complex, yet simple story connecting two ends of the same thread. The odd-numbered chapters are about the journey of a 15-year old boy in trying to find the truth of his mother and sister and the hard realization of being found and lost between two realms of his reality. The even-numbered chapters are about an elderly man who cannot read, but strangely can talk to cats and predict bizarre weather events. Through the course of this slightly intense, but poetic story you get to see the slow approach of the characters’ stories intertwine and in the end have their own life’s missions cross.
at times, reading this book can even leave you slightly uncomfortable and in others, it’s just hard to read because of *certain events*, but it truly is a beautiful story that is easy to understand once you get the hang of it and will leave you like Kafka: on the bridge between your reality and a dream.
February 24, 2022
never been more excited to talk about a book. this one by John Green really is unlike anything he’s written before. he has a way of making anything, even the mundane, sound interesting and funny. he pulls you into his narrative talking about everything from the act of whispering to the world’s largest ball of paint.
the overall premise is to purposely (and ironically) dedicate a 1-5 star review on events that have occurred in our human history and it reads out as a sort of Amazon/Reddit thread that you can’t put down. Each chapter is based on something he has experienced and pleasantly enough, something that we can all relate to in some way. There are so many good quotes in this book, some that I believe I’ve always known; here is one quote below:
“Like any magic, you have to be careful with a magical song - listen to it too often, and it will become routine. You'll hear the chord changes before they come, and the song will lose its ability to surprise and teleport you. But if I'm judicious with a magical song, it can take me back to places more vividly than any other form of memory.”
Overall, such a great book and easy read. 10/10
March 5, 2022
I’ve never read anything like this in my life. the sympathy yet equally-as-strong emotion of shame that you feel for the characters quickly overtake you as you get to learn more about the mis-fit narrator, Richard, and his sociopathic colleagues: Francis, Henry, Charles, Camilla, and Bunny. This book is about murder and how five adults deal with it in the most realistic way. It’s also about how we all try to latch on to normality or community even if it may be unhealthy or toxic to our souls. but most importantly, how obsession of the arts (for some) could cast such a strong delusion that they’ll do anything to imitate and honor it—in this case, in the name of duty, piety, loyalty, and sacrifice. this book is so exceptionally well written by Donna Tartt that for a second, you’ll believe in the casual innocence of these young adults yet obviously know that they’re lives are coming to a sudden crash. I strongly recommend this book if you like psychological thrillers
note: to this day it’s still my favorite book; highly recommend
April 17, 2022
haven’t finished a book recently bc of 1) reading different books at the same time and 2) pursuing other life things buttttt
If you, like me, grew up in a texas town and had texas history during elementary school, you definitely heard the narrative that the Mexicans were bad and the Texans were good, strong heroes who died defending their honor. as you grew up, you might have realized that was a load of bullshit and probably was just another account of American imperialism but really didn’t understand how. Well this book does a great job at explaining this exact point. Through some mockery that at times makes you doubt the credibility and seriousness of the authors, if you read this, you’ll come to find that these sources and experiences are completely legitimate and justified for and be shocked at how deeply twisted and white-washed the actual history of this inglorious battle is. in addition, you’ll come to learn how racist Disney of the 50’s and xenophobic media entertainment empires planted the seeds of pride into something that truly was just another shameful part of Texas history. if you happen to love the Alamo, then you should absolutely drop what you’re doing and read this to learn about the mistakes of the past and the unhinged ideals and values of those who don’t want to forget.
May 14, 2022
“I sometimes think we sort too soon”
in “sorted”, Jackson bird talks about his life as a man of transgender experience and the trials + tribulations that came to be his coming-of-gender story. He chronicles the highs and lows of being gender confused and his self discovery to being his most authentic self. In this memoir, he sections up small tidbits of information that is useful for anyone to learn more about the existence of trans folks and the logistical nightmare that is navigating life in a cis-heteronormative society. highly recommend if you want to be more educated and a better ally for people of trans experience everywhere. 🏳️⚧️
May 29, 2022
I can’t believe it took me so long to discover this book! I’m sure I say this a lot but this is easily one of the most engaging novels I’ve read all year. The Shadow of the Wind is a whirlwind of a story with subplots within the main plot and ends on such a satisfying note, regardless of where you think the direction of the novel is going.
The story follows Daniel, the young son of a bookkeeper in the 1930s to 1950s who is responsible for preserving the well-being of the book, The Shadow of the Wind By Julian Carax. Upon completion, he realizes that this is the only physical copy, the only book of Carax, in existence and it leads him to eventually discovering that someone is burning any and all books by this author. As he searches for answers as to who is responsible for this, he unearths buried truths that were meant to be left alone. This is a nice twist on the classic whodunnit. 10/10
June 18, 2022
haven’t posted in a while. finished this book two days ago and it’s absolutely amazing. the story follows two young adults, Sadie and Sam, who are both strangers and friends at the same time. Their life mission to create video games leads them to major success in their lives. This book (fiction) is very much about game design, development, and game marketing, but its absolute core centers around love and friendship. I’ve grown to love these characters and it’s the best coming of age novel since Perks of being a Wallflower. Absolutely in love with this story and I wish I could wipe my mind so I could read it again. 12/10
August 17, 2022
haven’t posted on here in forever omg
i missed talking into the void and talking about albums and books and even though I do that on my tumblr and my journal, i simply like yapping and there’s no way around that
today, i’ve been thinking alot about this album, which initially was only a 2 song album which has now evolved into three songs. We fell in love in October - girl in red, was my realization album if you will. if you haven’t heard WFINIO, then you just need to know it’s the gayest song that’s she’s made (I don’t think that’s the case anymore lol) and I remember first really listening to it when i was in state college, PA even though it came out in 2018. I remember REALLY feeling this song and loving the feeling that it gave me (more on that later). This song along with “girls” by girl in red was like so liberating in a way, and summer depression (tbh everything), but i literally could not figure out what feeling it was. months passed and after coming out as trans in 2022 and going through a crisis in 2021 which almost ended my life, i’m happy to report that i’m here, alive and well, and that i figured out (a long time ago) that is song made me feel so many things because it ~was~ me. gender is a performance and gender is a construct blah blah but in the moment and even now, this felt to me like a wlw song where i am the woman and back then it didn’t make sense to me. but as time went on and i continued to break out of that mold that I had hid in since middle school, I felt my understanding and identity with ‘girl in red’ make much more sense in ways that no cisheteronormative person could possibly understand. am i cliche? maybe, but music is what makes you ~feel~, who cares what else anyone says?
(p.s. it helps that my girlfriend and I DID fall in love in October hehe, always a reminder of us)
10/10 artist, every song is a banger
February 15, 2024
this was so fun to read also impeccable taste!!!