[6:36 pm – 24/02/2024]
My partner and I are in the midst of chaos. Cha-os ( /ˈkāˌäs/ ) - complete disorder and confusion. In the literal sense of the word, no, we’re not actually, but we are in the middle of packing and getting ready to get the fuck out of this apartment as well as making the most delicious bolognese sauce that anyone on this earth has ever created (it’s been about 5 hours in the making so we have to believe that).
It’s been a slow Sunday Saturday because I constantly try to live in this state of peace that I learned over the course of the last three years by my girlfriend. However, it’s hard to be slow when I’m reminded that we move in about a week. We’re moving because we are simply paying way too much for this apartment and it’s simply not worth it for what we get. But as we are preparing to move, it’s hard not to think about the home that we are leaving behind. I feel like it’s a universal feeling to miss things that you’ve once experienced (i.e. missing certain parts of college, people you once gamed with, routines you once had because of your environment), but at the moment, I’m trying to wrangle with the feeling of loving Austin and wanting to experience it more, but also needing to be somewhere else.
Thinking about my past is strange, because I was a different person then. I literally looked so different and people treated me differently. I like to hang on to some memories such as those spent in State College where I met Amber and went to grad school. I like to think about how the way that I romanticized my time in Pennsylvania because my favorite bands were from Philly and I felt like I was finally living my emo life where PBR & Yuengling was king and long nights lasted until March (April??). It’s hard not to feel that way when you’re somewhere as quiet and still as state college. I loved my 650 sq ft apartment overlooking nature (as seen above) and the stretch of I-99. I loved how quiet the area that we lived in (Toftrees) would get when it snowed, and how winter ‘20 was an extremely cold one, yet made soooo cozy and warm by the love gushing from the infancy of Amber and I’s relationship. Our love was born with help from breakfast bagels from Bagel Crust and morning lattes from a now-closed Saint’s Cafe. We lived for grocery-store-bought tiramisu and gas station chicken nuggets and fries. Much love to a place that once meant everything.
[12:29 pm – 25/02/2024]
Question:
Is there a pattern that you want to break, even if you don’t know how yet?
Feeling inadequate. Such a loaded question because of the layers to it, the first being that the general consensus among women on what makes life difficult at times is the societal pressure to perform. I’ve become hyper-observant for the past couple of years because I’m learning from the women in my life. I learn from my partner, my family, my friends, internet friends, “influencers”, soaking up as much as I can and from what I’ve seen and what they have talked about is that their time in their teens was spent trying to live up to expectations within their family, their friends, and potential relationships. Just trying to feel like you’re enough is already hard work, but now with social media there are so many possible toxic rabbit holes to fall in where one can get lost in the race of trying to make sure your life looks put together and showing the best side of you on the internet.
The feeling of not feeling pretty enough or passing-enough for cis people is exhausting and like I GET that part of it is me. I understand that my own internalized transphobia has led to me overthinking every interaction with every human for the past year and a half, BUT! statistically speaking, at some point, it IS true. At some point, I am the first trans person anyone has met and often times they’re hesitant to be close to me because of being afraid of messing up or saying the wrong thing or asking the wrong question, but dear Reader, if this is you, PLEASE don’t feel like that. I need community. Believe it or not, it’s been extremely difficult to find community in Austin (and even online). I’m not exactly an iconic Austin socialite, so I’ve been struggling to find connection and just my people, you know?
To answer the question of a pattern I want to break, I think I want to break the pattern of doubting myself, my appearance, and my existence. I know who I am and I’m starting to love that.
Side note:
I recently spoke to another trans girl and we both agreed that something that made even the thought of transitioning difficult was the internalized misogyny that the older women in our life (mom, grandma, aunts) carried with them and how miserable they made womanhood sound. From a young age, they differentiated chores based on gender and would outright call you out for “appearing feminine” or doing a “feminine thing”. Early on in my childhood, I was taught to respect women because being a woman was already horrible enough. Try to imagine that sentiment as a closeted trans girl in a boy’s body going through puberty: that what you’re feeling is undesirable and ultimately just a service to men. Those sentiments are something that transcends culture and is what I believe to be the reason why so many men hate the idea of a trans woman giving up their privilege to be their authentic self.
That’s all for now, bye friend. ♡♡♡♡
Very insightful, thank you for sharing Tori! <3