I totally love my parents, so then why do I feel like this?
i feel like this should have been in a diary, but here you go
There are a lot of queer people who aren’t close to their parents. I am not one of them.. I think.
You know how the story goes: someone comes out, their conservative and/or religious parents cut them out. Said queer person relies on their chosen family to make it through the rest of life. This effect is even more detrimental in queer youth who can’t seem to escape the physical constraints of their environment. They’re often left to pretend to be someone that they’re not to make sure that the only stable thing they got going for them continues being stable.
I am not like that.. I think. I could have gone through that; I knew that something was up since I was in 6th grade. I knew that these feelings were not common and yet I wasn’t brave enough to come out. Now at 27 years old, it’s hard to find peace with that. Part of me wishes that I would have came out sooner. The part of me that is vain likes to imagine that I would be 10x hotter by now and more integrated into “girl culture”. That I wouldn’t have to fight tooth & nail with my own brain to convince myself that I belong to be seen in society. But I also know that thinking that way is fruitless. There is absolutely nothing I can do now about that and yet I still hold that resentment; resentment that I need to bring up to my therapist (S/O to you if you’re reading this).
This year on Mother’s and Father’s Day has been a weird one. Growing up (up until 2021), I would have considered myself to be super close to my parents. They heavily relied on me to feel that connection that parents would like to feel with their kids. I would go to concerts with them, tell them my relationship troubles, involve them in my activities, and make sure that they knew how much I cared for them. I think part of me wanted to do that and yet, I feel like the other part was kind of guilted into making sure that they knew I was there for support. So when I came out, it shattered our world. I wrote my coming out letter (in spanish) to them in a .docx file and sent it over to my email where I then copied the text and sent it to them in a group chat consisting of my parents, my sister, and my partner. I turned off my phone immediately after sending that text and almost 15 minutes later, amber got bombarded with phone calls asking if I was being serious or just joking. I told them I needed space for a while and they proceeded to track my location that following weekend and drove 5 hours to a taco joint where they confronted me in public. Not only that, but they then cried in front of me and everyone else who happened to be enjoying their lunch (which is ironic because they very much hate making a scene). I remember feeling overwhelmed, flustered, and the closest I had ever been to a panic attack. They now have apologized for ambushing me on a random Saturday at 3 in the afternoon, but it stuck with me. Mother’s and Father’s Day for 2022 and 2023 were distant and although by this point they had already expressed their desire to be in my life and support me, I held so much resentment. Resentment for not telling me this sooner, anger for allowing me to be in spaces where I was being fed religious propaganda, and sadness for a childhood that I never got to experience. Mother’s and Father’s Day 2024 was a bit more of the same and an open question that I have yet to answer is: How do I get over this? How do I come to terms with my loss and with this new dynamic with my family? How do you not hold resentment for parents that already accept you and want to be in your life? I can’t hate my parents because they’re still there for me. They visit often and ask about my happiness. On the flip side of all of this, part of me has felt parentless since 2021. They haven’t treated me like their daughter in the way that mothers treat their daughters; in the way that fathers do. I still love my mom and dad. They’re incredible human beings that I know would drop everything just to be there for me. I just wish that I could be seen how I want to be seen in their eyes and I guess that just takes time… I don’t know.
This is where my stream of consciousness ends. I hope that one day I figure it out. I am appreciative of my life. I’m privileged to be in a place that lets me bloom and grateful to be surrounded by love. I just hope that there’s a universe out there where I’m experiencing girlhood with my parents’ support not only at 27, but also at 21 and 18, and 15, and 12; one where I was always just their daughter.