Friendship is so finicky and so complex and that’s what makes it wonderful. I love the idea of someone taking the time to experience me. I think more than anything, I love the thought of someone taking the time to take me in and really get to know me. I think this is a universal feeling, but of course, I am not the universe and therefore you may think what I’m about to say is wrong, or maybe you have a different viewpoint so if you do please reach out and let’s talk about it because I love learning :).
I feel like I’ve recently intensely focused on friendships because of the constant changes I’m going through. My internalized transphobia (brain #1) makes me think that I’m unlovable except by my partner and that the more I change the less people will like that. The fact that I still exist kind of has shown me that my subconscious (brain #2) is a fighter and is willing to try to trick that other part of my brain that tells me to stop. I don’t think that brain #1 is insidious or trying to actively hurt me; I think brain #1 is trying to protect me and in doing so, also shields me a bit too much from the world that I am so desperately trying to reconnect to. Every day, every interaction is a chore for me (more so for people I don’t know). Baristas, grocery store workers, bartenders, all are small stress points for me in my day to day where I don’t know if I’ll be treated differently because of my transness or if they will embrace me because of it. Online tends to be similar; I tend to shy away from games or activities that involve me talking to strangers with my own voice even though brain #2 knows that my voice isn’t bad. Brain #1 tends to pull away while brain #2 tries to reach out. This fire and ice dance between these strong protective emotions drive me to both desire closeness and love from my friends and yet also tells me that the reason why people don’t like me is because of x, y and z: reasons that may not exist. Since 2022, my thoughts around friendship have changed so much. Partly because of my learned experiences, partly because of talking to people such as my friends and my therapist.
from bookbear express wrote a piece on friendship and it inspired a week’s worth of thoughts to process her thoughts and the world around intimate friendships. What can we expect from our friendships? What requests are reasonable? What is too much? Will you still love me when I’m down? To hell with that 60/40, what about just loving me as much as I love you? I sometimes think that I am too intentional with my friendships. The more that I talk to the people in my life, the less I find others that share similar views as mine. I think that the general approach to friendship in the realms that I observe are just casual. I don’t mean this in a negative way; I think that it’s completely fair and appropriate to think of friendships as just casual. Some people like to put more emphasis on their careers, their family, partners, and themselves. They have other cups to fill.I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not criticizing those thoughts or mindset. There is no right or wrong way to be a friend to any single person. Just like everything else, friendship love and intensity is a spectrum and something that is relative to the person on the receiving end. As I mentioned before though, I think I just crave platonic emotional connection. I like the time it takes to get to know someone. I like the effort that is needed to learn how to be a good friend to them and how to be allowed in their life. I like the pure love in a friendship.
March 31st was trans day of visibility and I posted on instagram about it, jokingly telling people to tell me that they love me (part of it was truly a joke, part of it was me wanting to feel love from my online friends). I was pleasantly surprised when people who don’t really talk to me, who aren’t in my circle, reached out. Their little emoji hearts & words of encouragement was something that I didn’t expect and is so small and insignificant, yet meant so much to me. Interestingly enough, some people didn’t say anything; people I’ve known for such a long time didn’t reach out and it kind of stung (??). This whole sentiment is silly I think to brain #2, but to brain #1 it hurt. It’s been a bit since then and it’s something that I’m still thinking about because I know it isn’t that deep, but my brain thinks it is and I don’t know why.
I try to appreciate everything around me as much as I can. After realizing how quickly life can change, I’ve learned to take few steps back and lean more into my environment. Reflecting as to what I want to get out of life has been more important than anything and I think the answer has been pretty simple: just love in all its many forms.