There are gaps that I’ve been dealing with for the past year, where there is a clear disconnect between what I would want my life to look like versus how it currently looks. I’m sure you’ve felt it too; sometimes you want to do certain things, but you might be overloaded in some ways whether that be personal growth in your job or being overwhelmed with hobbies or you know, just life.
Topic on hand: I want to be more intentional about what I do, what I’m interested in, and what (or who) I surround myself with.
When I first started this entry on March 3rd, 2024, it was going this direction:
I like where I’m at but I know there is always more. My biggest fear has always been complacency. Not just with my career, but my personal growth. I thank my parents and my childhood friends for that discipline and willpower but to a certain extent it’s also a fault. When should I rest? When is enough, enough?
I recently spoke with a good friend who told me that their other trans friend said that trans people know themselves the most and (I may be a bit biased) I totally agree. Therapy saved my life and I wouldn’t be here without the guidance of my therapist. I was able to really dive deep into the realms of my mind to figure out the life I wanted going forward. To choose life instead of the alternative and to slowly reject society’s expectations of me. All of this is great and I’ve talked about it before, but because I know myself so well, I am also aware of the gaps in my life that are hard to fill because of the things that I currently find pleasure in. This is all a bit confusing so let me try to make sense of it.
I think Victoria from a few days ago was on the right path, but I’ve realized from rethinking this over that there is so much more to this than I thought. So to make this a lot more organized, I will try to go through the main two gaps that I’m trying to connect. For the sake of this entry, I’ll keep it as concise as I can with relevance to me and my own life.
Being in my own little world versus being connected to social media
The gap between the friendship types I always envisioned for myself versus what reality is
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff7236dd1-83cc-4109-85a2-596535d301d7_1290x1277.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F139f9764-1889-45b1-a35a-193572c723f6_1290x1473.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F0503b48f-3523-4a9b-b0e0-0c7a3e221f33_1290x1704.jpeg)
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe7572b36-9e65-4221-a12b-4bd906804d9c_1290x1696.jpeg)
1. living for what I like sans social media
This is a tale as old as the late aughts. The good ol’ social media cleanse or purge or removal (whatever you want to call it) has been a way to mentally check ourselves out of the endless scrolling on black mirrors. I would describe myself as chronically online depending on my mental health at the moment. Sometimes when I’m feeling myself and very “fuck yeah I’m hot”, I scour pinterest like an nyc subway rat trying to pin down my next look for the next time I’ll be going out. I look at inspo and my search history looks something like “moto boots women outfits” and “plaid skirt dark academia spring”. When I’m down in the dumps, I sort of self destruct for a morning and die a death of comparison where pretty girls make me sad because sometimes I don’t think I’m pretty. I’ve now realized this is a pretty universal feeling for women and it’s sad that’s the case.
There are more layers to this than just my appearance. I use social media to stay connected to friends, the news, to hear about band updates and when they’re going on tour, but I especially love to use it because of artists; I’m inspired by creators and their minds. It fills me with happiness and there’s something so pure about someone learning a new skill or teaching others that very skill. Recently a few writers here on substack followed me and their creativity and skill and poise is so inspiring. Isn’t it pretty to think that there are people out there creating for the sake of art? It’s hard to let that go because of the bad parts of an app. There is something about being online; about following the progress and trial & error about a person’s process. Take this substack for example. I think my writing is a solid 4/10, but my hope is write enough bad entries and construct enough poorly written run-on sentences to one day write a 9/10 short story or maybe even a book (??). The point is the process; I love it and that’s what draws me in to keeping my social media. I’ve tried the whole time limit thing and it just doesn’t work for me. What I have done is fill my time between checking apps with more diligent writing and thoughtful reading. I think maybe the best thing I can come up right now with is to continue curating my online presence to be the most wholesome it can be; with the start of my writing on here, I think I’m on the right track.
2. the curse of friend groups in 90s television
This one feels a bit pathetic to talk about because it’s such a vulnerable space for me to be in, but friendships have been so difficult for me lately (and by lately I mean for the past 4 years). I never realized how badly I needed them until I left grad school and came back to the city. It also doesn’t help that I have a deep yearning for the type of friend groups that I aspired to one day have as an adult (you know the type, Sex and the City, Friends, etc). While these two shows have their issues that are outside the scope of this essay, the type of friendship that these groups have rely on aspects like communication, loyalty, respect, and love. And yes, I know it’s JUST a TV show, but you cannot sit there and tell me that these types of groups don’t exist.
I’m turning 28 years old this year and I have yet to form a true solid connection with a friend group that feels that way towards me. I understand quite well that people have their own lives & jobs & interests, but why has it been difficult to find a good middle ground for me? I know friends who have their own friend groups; their tried and true community that is there for them for their big life events, but where am I going wrong? I feel like I’m in the midst of my own epidemic of loneliness and based on the this, I know I’m not the only one, but why does it feel that way? I have my partner and I love her immensely, but ultimately I’m a friend type of gal and every now and then I need my friends. I need community and I’ve noticed that whenever I try to insert myself in communities, I walk away discouraged and unmissed.
The question here is how can I bridge that gap? That is one that I’m still trying to figure out. I feel like every failed friendship is a learning experience and I have learned to try to love myself as much as possible which means continue being vulnerable (because that’s who I am) and not try to act cool so that others may like me. I love friends and making new friends. I jump with glee!! and it makes me so happy!!! to learn more about others. Hopefully one day people will feel that way with me too.
P.S.
While writing this I’ve thought a lot about my place in my current world (my late 20s) and I’ve kind of gently pushed myself to just be. This concept is pretty simple for some people, but as mentioned previously, I hate complacency. However, I’ve come to realize that complacency doesn’t mean always mean stillness in the real world; stillness still means growth… just look at flowers.
Thanks for reading ➳♥
i appreciate you so much 🫶🏼