[8:52 am]
I’ve been thinking about where I want this to go. I feel like when I start something new, I hyperfocus on that hobby and kind of go all in. I want to treat this like the marathon that writing is. One never really becomes the best at writing and there is always room for growth so I decided to just write. I’ll write and post when I want and talk to you all but also, for my own vulnerability, to the void. Ideally, I would love if some of y’all would chime in and comment or even reach out to me privately and ask questions or things you would want me to talk about.
I know I’m not nearly important for that (aka an influencer or celebrity) but I think that it’s easy of me to ask that because I myself love getting invested in humans. Although I know that there are so many tough people out there, the grace that some people show towards others is beautiful and as someone who is always trying to get better, I love to learn and to probe into what makes others be so good.
[9:36 am]
Another question: why make a blog where anybody could just read it?
I feel like this opens up a hugeeee can of worms, right? Social media is performative, even mine. I kind of use facebook and instagram to manipulate how others think of me; is it really that serious? Well, maybe for cisheteronormative people, no. But as a trans girl, I really like using these tools to my advantage. There is no right way to be queer or trans or whatever. Every person has their own unique experience that makes them feel like they’re doing it right and that’s completely valid. For me, it’s changing public perception of me. I feel like when I first came out, a lot of people were blindsided, because I didn’t follow the pipeline of straight man → gay man → trans woman. There were no signs for others to be like “ah-ha! I knew it”. I kind of just hid and hid until I exploded. And now that it’s public knowledge and now that I have the space to be me, I try to shift the way that people see me, especially people from back home. I think this need comes from the fact that my hometown is small and close-minded and I try to stay away as much. However, people are not their towns and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt by allowing them to peek into my life (at least the parts I want to show them). The same goes with facebook; when I first posted on facebook I had some surprising people on there be supportive, but wow did my likes drop on the selfies I would post. Any before you think, “it’s not that serious", I would challenge you and say that people press like on the dumbest things, like if they wanted to they would, but I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Let me know what you think.
That being said, I realized I didn’t fully answer, “why make a blog?”
I already journal and talk about my deepest darkest thoughts on my tumblr hehe, BUT simply put, I think this is fun. I like typing, I like feeling like a writer, it’s a hobby and I also think it’s going to be cool to look back at my writing in a year and see how far I’ve come. I like doing things that make my happy and this makes me happy.
[2:51 pm]
Question from someone recently:
Is there a feeling that you miss?
I think this is such a loaded question that I might answer over time on here, but for starters, I miss safety. I think that although I am much more than just trans, being trans has been the biggest stressor in my life, more than I could have imagined. It’s such a unique feeling to be scared for your life in places where you feel like you’re not welcomed. With our current political climate right now focusing on how “predatory” we are, I juggle between “let me look like a normal person and pass as much as I can so that I don’t call any attention to myself” && “I’m trans, fuck it, let me live however I want be visibly queer if I want to”. That fine line crosses literally all aspects of my life. I constantly think about trying not to be overly queer around people who might not have that exposure in an effort to ensure I don’t push them away, but that in itself is toxic thinking. I shouldn’t have to mute myself to conform to people, but that’s something I’m still working on.
Back to safety, being a guy was so safe. I’m not saying I’m such a girlie pop now and the most 100% passable trans woman because I know I’m not, but I would argue that being visibly trans in itself is dangerous and something that brings me so much stress. It isn’t easy having to order food or talk to strangers while sounding and looking androgynous. On some days where I don’t wear makeup I feel like I have to try even harder to even be close to being gendered correctly. For the most part, my experience hasn’t been too terrible, but something that is my reality is being stared at,
o h m y l o r d
how people love to stare. I can’t tell if it’s a curious stare or not, but I’ve caught people staring at me with the most hateful looks ever. I’ve even had one guy call me the F slur on the street because he thought I was taking a picture of him when I was simply trying to just take a selfie and decided to use my transness as easy bait. I know these things are going to happen so when they do I’m not entirely phased, but it still sucks. I’m in the weird phase between learning what women go through all the time for their entire lives with the added layer of “oh shit, people hate me here” and “oh, I can’t go to that small town, are you crazy?”
All of that being said, I’m so happy that I transitioned and that I feel more like myself each day. It’s insane that I’m even here. It’s cool to think that I trusted life enough to give me another chance; it would sound too religious to call it a rebirth, but that’s literally how it feels like. I feel like old me wouldn’t hang out with the new me because the new me is much loving, unconstrained by what parents have to say or what society and our friends have to say. So do I miss safety? yes, but I also do not miss the price I paid for that safety. I’m so happy that I pressed the button. ((If you don’t know the button test, I URGE you to read this article linked HERE. So many people have talked about this but it’s in a nice little substack for you to read))
I think this is a long enough post for now. I love to write, but I also don’t want to burn out, so just expect posts at least once a week and consider it a nice surprise if I post more than once.
As always, thanks for reading!! ʕ♡˙ᴥ˙♡ʔ
I appreciate a glance into your mindset and thought process <3